Have I Made It Large....!!

All these 60 years of my life I was doing every bit to get in a position where me and my family can lead a normal and a comfortable life, if not luxuriously. After 40 years of hard work, when I thought I'm done and have achieved almost everything that a common man can aspire, I was told otherwise. Though it was just an advertisement but something in me got disturbed after watching it. The advertisement has 2 versions 1 each with Saif Ali Khan and Shahrukh Khan. Both of them feeling proud of their celebrity status and showing off the power of money and obviously thinking if they have made it large. For a moment, I felt so offended and insulted that just because I am not a celebrity and I don't own a Merc or a BMW, I have achieved nothing?

I thought it was momentary and will go away but it wasn't that easy. I don't completely blame that advertisement for this state of mind of mine. There surely are other factors attributed, one of them was definitely retirement from my job and dependability on children for various needs. The shift in a man's life from a bread earner to merely a consumer is a big thing. Easily said but hard to digest. My family on the other hand was aware of my cluttered state of mind.

One day while sitting in a library with my favourite books and a cup of coffee I noticed a very old man sitting at a table across me. There was strange sort of peace on his face. One can really get mesmerized by the serenity his looks possessed. I couldn't control, got up from my seat and sat beside him. He looked up and gave me a welcome smile. I wanted to talk to him and was just looking for an apt opportunity to start the conversation. I don't know why but I was really getting anxious to talk to him as if he held the key to my inner questions. Finally, I asked him for a cup of coffee as I ordered for my second cup. Though he declined my offer for a cup of coffee but then the conversation triggered between us. As the conversation was growing I was getting fonder of this man. The level of wisdom and simplicity of his thoughts were just remarkable. Somehow, I was getting tempted to share with him my state of mind and the reason of my stress. 

In a few minutes we decided to take a stroll in the garden just outside the library. Though I asked him to take a seat on a nearby bench but he insisted on walking. Anyhow, the conversation between us took a desired turn and I shared with him my set of post retirement fears and insecurities. I told him that even after spending all these years of my life for the fulfilment of each and every need of my family I'm lacking the sense of accomplishment or achievement. 

After listening to me patiently for good 10 minutes, he smiled and said, " You know what, I had same fears and insecurities when I was your age some 25 years ago but one thing that was not similar between us was the sense of accomplishment. I had that sense of accomplishment or achievement because I always feel that everyone you meet in your life is a hero of his own little world. As you told me that you have a wonderful family and caring children, shows that you have always been a good husband and a wonderful father. In this life, what really matters is how you do that you do. If you do it with full conviction, sincerity and authenticity that is what makes you a real super star. You might not have earned enough money to buy yourself materialistic luxuries but I'm sure you've earned the love of your family and that too me is a real luxury. Every stage of life is important so is the old age. Now that you've possessed enough amount of wisdom from your experiences all these years, it is time for you to spread it......." The conversation continued for good 2 hours. 

While returning home I was totally lost in the thoughts of that meaningful conversation with the old man. As soon as I rang the bell of my home my grandson ran shouting towards me saying, "You are the best Grand Paa in the world...". It was then actually, all the words of that man started making ultimate sense to me.

And it changed from 'Have I made it large' to 'I have made it large'....

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You and I, in this beautiful world.. Concludes..

Please read You and I, in this beautiful world - before jumping on to this :)

Link to the previous part - http://www.speakingmymind.in/2012/04/you-and-i-in-this-beautiful-world.html

After the suicide attempt I decided to bring Rohan to Delhi with me. As per the doctors, sometimes the change of place and surroundings work in patient's favour. Also, with the qualifications he possesses he would not get a job he deserved in that small town located near Goa. Initially Rohan protested to the idea of shifting his base to Delhi but then he succumbed to the pressure we all had put on him. 

In few days I realized that things are working in Rohan's favour and he was getting better each passing day. I was very happy to see my friend coming back on the track of his life. As they say life moves on, same was the case with Rohan. With time he too had decided to move on, in the world of reality. He got a good job and that too helped him by keeping him busy all this time. He was surely on the track of normalcy. I've seen him started taking interest in things and issues around him. It seemed that he have accepted the real world and was trying hard to sync well with it. One must admit that it was mainly his efforts that were taking a nice shape. 

One day Rohan called me and asked me to come home early from office but as that time my projects were on full swing I couldn't really made it much earlier than the usual time. In the evening around 7, while parking the car I saw Rohan sitting alone in the garden. He was staring at a nearby bench continuously and seemed as if trying to figure out something. I could see the signs of confusion and tension on his face. He was getting uncomfortable by the time I parked the car. I rushed to him and asked what happened to him. Unaware of the fact that I was watching him for quite some time, he tried to behave very normally and told me to get ready. When I asked where are we going then he told me that it is a surprise for me. But I don't know why I was getting very uncomfortable about what I saw few minutes back and then this surprise thing was adding on to it. But I didn't show my nervousness to Rohan and accompanied him. After driving some 50 kilometres and hitting a lonely road, Rohan asked me to stop the car in front of a deserted garden just adjacent to a cremation ground. Frankly speaking it was not a very nice place to be, at 9 in the night. But I kept my calm and didn't allow my tension to show on my face. While sitting there with Rohan I noticed that he was searching for something very restlessly. I asked him finally, "Why are we here Rohan?".. Rohan turned to me; I could see the tears in his eyes. He said, " Why you kept lieing to me Rahul. You knew that Shreya is fine but you kept us apart all these days. You very well know that how I feel for her. I really love her Rahul but I don't understand why you wanted to keep us apart. All these days I was thinking so grateful to you and was thinking that you're someone who thinks the best for me but what you did was this...". Cutting him in the middle I said." But Rohan.. Why do you think I lied to you? What made you feel that she's alive?." " I knew you would behave innocent.. Thanks to this old man who told me that all these days you kept her away from me. You locked her here? What did you think that I will never get to know about this?" he said very angrily, his eyes were red.

After few years, one fine day Rohan called me and said " Rahul, Shreya looks just the same always, she never eats, she never sleeps and even she have been wearing same floral dress all these years....(After a pause, he continued)  I'm sorry I never understood you. I don't know what to do because even after realizing now that she's just my illusion, I still see her everywhere I go. She still talks to me, follows me. I don't know how to ignore her.." I could feel his helplessness in his voice but I did not know what to do, how to help my friend at that time.

An era have passed since then, nothing really changed apart from the fact that now Rohan is aware about his problem. He understands that Shreya only lives in his imagination and now he realizes the fact that he can't bring her to his real world. In a way, Rohan learnt to sync well both of his worlds. Now, he even runs a counselling clinic where he helps other patients who are suffering from Schizophrenia to cope up with the same problems he once coped, even still fighting to draw a line between his illusionary and real world. 

In a nutshell, life moves on but may be with few adjustments. Not, every story has a perfect ending but what matters is how much we tried till the end.

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You and I, in this beautiful world..

Part 1 begins:

It was an unusual Saturday, since morning nothing was going the way it should be. Things were just not perfect or not even close to being perfect. Above all there was a strange feeling, something like anxiety. I was just praying that everything should remain well with all my dear ones. But obviously like always my intuition was right. It was 6 p.m. in the evening, I got a call from a STD number and the voice on the other side seemed like of a middle aged lady. “Is this Rahul?” she said. “Yes, who are you aunty?” I replied. “Rahul, I’m your friend Rohan’s mother. He is in the hospital, battling for his life.” She said sobbing. I was shocked for a moment. Though Rohan and me were very good friends at the time of college but somehow after college we weren’t able to keep it too well between us. “What happened to him aunty?” I replied. “He tried to commit suicide….and...” she said but with a pause. “What?? Suicide??..” I screamed. In a fraction of a second, pictures of lively Rohan began flashing before my eyes. He was someone so full of life and energy. He was someone who can always make you feel the positive side of even in the gravest of situations. “He wants to meet you Rahul.. I don’t know how tough it will be for you to come here but this is the wish of my dyeing son..” came the voice from other side of the phone. I could listen to her sobs, sobs of a helpless mother. “I am coming aunty..” I replied and a drop of tear falls off my eyes.

I did not have time to think and in the next one hour I was in my flight to Goa, Rohan’s town is 1 hour drive away from Goa. Throughout my journey I was awestruck by the fact that Rohan, whom we always used to see as someone who is very strong and never lets his emotions, overpower his brain, tried committing suicide. Even though he was on a wheelchair but one could never see the signs of distress on his face. Rohan, I knew was surely someone who used to fill life in everything around him.

Straight from the airport I rushed to the hospital where Rohan was admitted. The moment I saw Rohan, tears start flowing from my eyes. In front of me was lying my one of my closest friend and a wonderful soul. He was sleeping because of the tranquilizers that were given to him. I really felt bad about all these years after college where we didn’t put so much effort to keep it going. I was feeling guilty, somehow because may be Rohan could not have taken this step if he could have a friend to share his deepest feelings and fears. I asked Rohan’s mom but even she did not know the reason for Rohan's extreme step. I promised myself that I’ll go to the root cause of this and will do everything to help my friend come out of it.

The next morning I decided to go to Rohan’s cottage. It was a lovely small cottage in the vicinity of back waters. I was thinking that how someone who lives surrounded by such natural beauty decided to end his life. Rohan used to live alone in this cottage, some 50 Kms away from the place where his parents live. While interconnecting all the instances from Rohan’s disconnection with friends’ group after college to living away from his parents, showed that there was something in his life that he didn’t want anyone to know or may be he wanted a secretive life. I got even more curious now. I entered his cottage and to my surprise it was well organised and neat. In the corner was a laptop and one can easily see the blood drops around the laptop table. Somehow my sixth sense was forcing me to check his laptop. I did not know why but a strong feeling was suggesting me that Rohan’s laptop holds the key to his suicide attempt.

I logged on to his laptop and welcomed by a very beautiful wallpaper of a girl, with a lovely smile on her face. It was not a clicked picture but a sketch drawn by someone who is passionate. On the desktop screen I found a word doc file named as ‘You and I, in this beautiful world..’. As soon as I saw this file I knew that this will take me to the core of this whole episode.

Part 2 begins:

As soon as I opened the file ‘You and I,….’ on Rohan’s laptop I was gripped by a strange feeling. I started reading and with every sentence, I was taken to a different world all together. The whole document was about Rohan and a girl’s conversation and trust me this document ran into 300 something pages. It seemed like Rohan had preserved all his talks, meetings and conversations with that girl in this document. I was so stunned by Rohan’s passion for this girl. After reading a few pages of the document I reached this page where the conversation between them thrown me out of my chair. It goes like this.

Rohan: You promised me that you’ll never leave me and now you’re saying we can’t be together…why????

Shreya: I agree Rohan that we’d promised to live together always but please try to understand that our worlds are so different. Neither I can be part of your world nor you can be mine. Please understand, it had to end one day.

Rohan: Please don’t go away. Why can’t we live like this always? I can’t imagine even a single day without you. I’ve spent last 5 years of my life just with you in this cottage, away from everyone. I have shared every aspect of my life with you. You can’t go like this.

Shreya: Nothing can stop me now Rohan and you know I’m just your imagination and it will not take you long to get rid of a thought.

Rohan: When it started you were just a thought I agree but as it grew further, I’ve given you a face, a character and for me you’re not merely a thought now. You’re someone I live with. You’ve become a part of my life and it’s just too difficult now to let you go out of my mind. Ok, if you want to then go but it will not end this way. It will end with an end to me.

I was dumbstruck when I read this part of the conversation. It means there was no one like Shreya really existed in Rohan’s life. I was confused, how he portrayed this character in his mind and was even conversing with it for the past 5 years. I rushed to a psychiatrist immediately and showed her that document.
Doctor told me that these are the symptoms of ‘Schizophrenia’ a rare mental disorder in which the patient cooks up an imaginary characters. And they imagine and feel it so strongly that they eventually would start believing that they’re actually living with that character, they cooked up. When I asked the reason for this, doctor explained me that there is not any particular reason but yes one’s life’s aspirations if not achieved can take this form. Sometimes a person is so attached to his idea or aspiration that he can’t accept it's failure and starts imagining it in real life. And sometimes one’s life’s deficiency can trigger this. Even though the patient in these type of cases sub consciously knows that they’re just imagining but they still give in to this because their imaginary world behaves the way they want it to. While listening to the doctor I could relate that why Rohan chose this world as his world because given his physical conditions may be he could not see his life’s aspirations coming true in reality.

I took doctor with me to the hospital where Rohan was admitted. As I entered the room I looked at Rohan and couldn’t stop my tears. I hugged him tightly and could see a smile on his face. Rohan asked me, “How is Shreya? Is she coming to meet me?” I looked at the doctor and then Rohan and replied firmly, “She met with a bloody accident Rohan….and is no more..” Listening to these words, Rohan started crying like a 5 year old kid whose toy got broken. But then this was very much necessary to kill that character.

I also deleted the wallpaper on Rohan’s desktop because that used to remind me of Shreya, somehow.....  

  

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The Bounden Duty....!!

More than hundred TV channels, an unprecedented age of media.Yet both Indian citizens and the Indian State were oblivious to her. Irom Sharmila Chanu.. yes, that's her name. Don't know how many of us actually know about this name or even if we know this name then how many of us actually know to what it relates to?.. I saw a couple of documentaries showcasing the struggle and the story of Irom Sharmila but I felt something extraordinary strong about it. And the question in front of me was that just 2 documentaries are enough to showcase the sacrifice this lady is doing for over 11 years now. The documentaries were aired on television around the time the whole country was busy following Anna Hazare and his movement against corruption in the month of August, 2011, and as expected I did not hear a word about it from anyone's mouth in my proximity. I promised myself to do my bit for this cause, though I took my time to research more and come out with the facts to support my decision of supporting this cause.

Though some people I know may not approve of my decision of removing AFSPA (Armed Forces Special Powers Act.) from Manipur, the cause Miss Irom Sharmila is fighting for over 11 years now, but still I think I am sure of why I'm writing this.

I know you would want a story to get you glued to it else it might not interest you at all. So, here I am presenting you a short story to get you up and close with Irom Sharmila.

Irom Sharmila born on March 4, 1972 in Manipur was an ordinary girl until one day she shredded the decision of living an ordinary life. She was a fair complexioned girl with jet black curly hair and that peaceful smile on her face.

Like any other girl she too had dreams of getting married and living a peaceful life with family and friends. Very similar to what all of us aspire to live.
Well living a peaceful life is pretty much a reality for us living here in metropolitan cities but could be a distant reality for a person living in a region where the AFSPA (Armed Forces Special Powers Act.) is in place.Under this Act, all security forces are given unrestricted and unaccounted power to carry out their operations, once an area is declared disturbed. Even a non-commissioned officer is granted the right to shoot to kill based on mere suspicion that it is necessary to do so in order to "maintain the public order". In short it is one of those draconian laws which are being used by Armed Forces, sometimes to harass people of the region in the name of curbing extremism. I fully respect the Armed Forces of our nation but at the same time it is quite familiar with all of us that how laws like AFSPA are used by some evil sections of the forces.

For young Irom Sharmila, things came to a head on November 2, 2000. A day earlier, an insurgent group had bombed an Assam Rifles column. The enraged battalion retaliated by gunning down 10 young innocent boys standing on a bus stop. The very next day the brutal pictures of the dead bodies were published including the picture of a 62 year old woman and 18-year old Sinam Chandramani, a 1988 National Child Bravery Award winner who were amongst the killed. Extraordinarily stirred by the event, 28 years old Sharmila began her fast on November 4, 2000.

Since then she is fasting for the removal of AFSPA from the state of Manipur. For first six years she was put under arrest by the state authorities,isolated in a single room in JN Hospital in Imphal. Each time she was released she took out the tube out of her nose, the tube that was tied to her by state authorities to forcefully feed her. For more than a decade she had not eaten anything solid. On November 4, 2000, Sharmila had sought her mother Irom Shakhi's blessings, You will win your goal,” Shakhi said. Sharmila resides within the walking distance of her mother but had not met her since then. When Shakhi was asked about this she said " I'm weak hearted and will not be able to see Sharmila in this condition." There were tears of motherly affection in her eyes. " If this Act could just be removed even for five days, I would feed her rice water spoon by spoon. After that, even if she dies, we will be content, for my Sharmila will have fulfilled her wish." Shakhi (Sharmila's mother) added.In 2004, while Sharmila was already fasting against the brutal AFSPA, the Assam Rifles arrested Thangjam Manorama Devi, a 32-year-old woman, allegedly a member of the banned People’s Liberation Army. Her body was found dumped in Imphal a day later, marked with terrible signs of torture and rape. Manipur came to a spontaneous boil. 15 days later in an extra ordinary attempt surpassing the limits of human expression 30 ladies protested nude in front of  Assam Rifles headquarters at Kangla Fort with the banners saying “Indian Army, rape us too”, they screamed. The State responded by jailing all of them for three months.

The struggle of Sharmila and lakhs of citizens of India is still going on. The feeling of not free and liberated in their own country surrounds them. For more than 11 years now Irom Sharmila had not eaten anything or even not drunk a single drop of water. She had stopped brushing her teeth and wipes them daily with dry cotton and her lips with dry spirit so she would not sully her fast. Her body is getting wasted inside. Even her menstrual cycle had stopped. Yet she is resolute and she wants her voice to be heard in the most peaceful and reasonable way.

Here, I'm not presenting this story to gather any sympathies for her but the only thing I want is a pause, a pause from our very own self interests. There are some stories that are untold and unseen which need our pause and attention if not our help. The story of Irom Sharmila is the story of extra ordinary resolute, extra ordinary will power of an extra ordinary woman who is fighting for her and her society's human rights. The rights which they are eligible for, like all other citizens of our country.

P.S. All the facts and pictures in this post are collected from various reliable sources.

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Life is a chaos..personified

It’s been years since we have parted ways but still the pain and the agony persists and somehow 'Time heals everything' seems not to be working for me. Its not that life is not going normally but then there is something that's always with you. A thought so deep rooted denying to leave me alone. A pain which by now have made a permanent place in me, without which life seems to be incomplete. It’s so strange, with time, how we even get attached to our pains and agonies. Every year as the fall arrives, I get even more drenched in her thoughts. An attachment with her absence, in a way as if she is there in the thoughts of my emptiness, goes stronger.

A hope of meeting her again kept me going through the unknown terrains of life. An evening always end with the notes of melancholy but then there always was a morning with the hope of meeting her again, seeing that face again. There always existed a dream beyond the walls of reality where I am with her, living a life full of beautiful moments and surrounded by the world that is in harmony with us and with this relationship. A place where everyone is happy to see us together. I sometimes wish I could break this wall and let these two worlds be in sync with love and life but this somehow can't happen and these worlds would always be distant. There would always be this wall of reality which wouldn't let the two dreams meet. 

But one day I decided to go for it, I decided to get what I'd always dreamt of. I decided to find her, meet her and complete what I'd left incomplete. All these thoughts, dreams and these pains have something to do with my life. For the last 4 years I'd not been able to let her go, has something to do. May be its written in my destiny to get her back that's why I'm not able to get over her and that is why my love for her have only grown stronger and deeper in all these years. I was overjoyed with just the thought of finding her again. 

Few days later, as a result of an intensive search I was able to locate her. I happened to meet a common friend who was still in contact with her. Without wasting much time I took her address and decided to give her a pleasant surprise. This overnight journey to her place seemed to be a journey of the lifetime. From the world of my realities to the world which I'd always dreamt of. The whole night I kept awake in the fear of missing her station if I would fall asleep. Strange enough, even after not sleeping for more than 24 hours, I could feel the blast of energy probably because of the excitement to see her again.

Finally, came my destination. As I stepped out of the train my phone rang, it was that common friend who gave me her address. "He must be calling to tell me the exact location." I thought and picked up the phone. "Listen Abhay, when we met yesterday I was so much carried away with your feelings for her that I was not able to collect guts to tell you that she's a happily married woman now. Your meeting with her can bring a storm in her married life. But still I would leave the decision on you." He said and disconnected.

For a moment it felt like the earth had stood still. Everything had stopped and life ceased to exist, as I could feel a complete blackout in my mind and body. There was no energy to even stand still. I sat at the bench nearby, facing the green lush farms on the opposite side of the platform. "All these years when I's drenched in her thoughts and memories, she was having fun in her life." I thought. These thoughts, pains and feelings are only confined to me. The melancholy of the nights and the loneliness of the day which I always misunderstood as a connection between us never existed and the life which I chose for myself was not destiny but a mistake. I failed to learn from a mistake I made years ago. I realized how time always moved forward but I'd always chosen to live in the past. 

After a rush of strong negative emotions, suddenly, I felt lighter. As if something was sitting on my head since ages have fallen off. It was a sense of relief. A feeling so strange which had the sorrow of getting apart but also the satisfaction of letting it go. I realized, the sequence of events I'd gone through in last few days were actually necessary to flush out the remains of a failed relationship.

Sometimes when we fail to move ahead, life takes us through such turns and twists to make us realize that everything except you, have moved ahead and changed for a different perspectives in life. Life is not a scripted stage show, instead, Life is a chaos..personified.

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