Speaking my mind is a place where I'm just myself. It is a place where imagination, facts and emotions live in harmony. A place where expressions get the right words..

Sunday, September 14, 2014

The day I decided to die.. !!

Sometimes in life despite having everything you don't have anything and that very moment all of it becomes useless. That very moment you just think of two things.

First, if I can go back to the time when I had nothing and that still seemed like everything. When even a proud pat on the back from my father meant the world to me. The days where only problem that was known to be existed on the earth was homework given by the teacher. When Sundays were celebrated even more than Christmas and Diwali are celebrated now. When in the night we used to sleep like we have conquered the whole world.

Since the first option no more exists the only option lefts with us is to end this meaningless journey. End this pain forever because the world we have created around us does not have any other exit route.

I too decided to embrace the second option but sometimes some places and some circumstances have such a heavy toll on your life that you don't even wish to die there and hence I decided to go to the place from where I had started my life journey. I couldn't go to the world that exists in option ‘One’ but I can still go to that place. So I decided to end from where it all started.

There are a few journeys for which you don't do any packing or planning this was one of them. I just turned on the ignition of my car and hit the highway which goes straight to this beautiful small town at the foot of the hills. While heading towards the final destination my head was full of thoughts and scenes from the past 40 years of my existence. Some were very beautiful memories from the childhood to some brutal truths of a grown up’s life and to some life changing incidents that have driven this successful and charming billionaire to this painful end. While driving on to the final journey I realized that more than anything it was pain of some half relationships, some broken friendships and an uncooked life which is hurting the most. It was a dark night and was raining heavily. After driving for some 4 hours I could see the signboard some 100 meters away welcoming me with all its heart and then a flash of light obstructed my vision and then there was a thunderous sound..

BANG............................................. 

I blinked once, twice and in the third attempt I could open my eyes. I was lying on the mud field some 20 meters below the highway. It was the same place where 20 years ago, I was waiting for Amit to come with Shweta so that we could free her from her cruel uncles. I was madly in love with Shweta and only thing at that point in life I wanted was to free her from her cruel uncles and marry her. In all this planning Amit was my partner in crime and why not he was my best friend since the days when we even didn’t know how to speak. We have grown up together and for the first 20 years of my life, the fourth person I would care in this world along with my parents and Shweta was Amit. He knew that I could have sacrificed anything for him, had he ever asked for it yet he cheated on me. He never arrived with Shweta and in the matter of few hours everyone in the town knew about our plan to flee away with Shweta. Only option left with me then was to run away from the town and start a new life.

I did give an attempt to the new life at the new place but nothing worked and even after 20 years life has took me back to the same place. I could it blurred but it seemed like Amit was approaching towards me. He had a brass pot filled with water and a cloth in his hands. He came closer and closer and when this figure stopped just a few inches away from me I could clearly see that it’s him only. He did not seem to have grown much older all this while. He said in his husky heavy voice “Take this water and clean your face.” I was numb to have heard my once best friend after 20 years. I took the water pot from him and as I was washing my face, I heard from him again, “I’m sorry for that day. I know you wouldn’t trust but all I can say now for what had happened then is sorry.” I gained my speech and reacted to this by asking, “Sorry?? Just a sorry you think can give me my 20 years back?” He replied, “I just have a sorry for you my friend at this moment.” Then I shouted, “Don’t call me your friend. This friendship was over that day only, when you cheated on me. May be if you would have told me that you love Shweta then I could have foregone her for you but instead you decided to cheat me..” He was silent for a few seconds and then he said “I have told Shweta that you’re here. She’s waiting for you at the same place up the hill.”

I was so angry at him that I did not even thank him for the water and just ran away towards the hill. Though the accident had left me brutally battered but somehow I don’t know from where I gathered all this energy to climb up the hill to meet Shweta. As I reached towards the point where we used to sit I was breathing very heavily and seeing Shweta sitting there was even making me breathe heavier. But soon I was conscious about the fact that Shweta in front of me right now is not mine. She is Amit’s Shweta.

 She saw me but she did not smile, instead there was pain and anguish on her face as if she was waiting for this day to come, when we would come face to face. She started screaming “Is this your love? If there is no trust in a relationship then it is not worth it. Not only you insulted me and our relationship but you have also insulted Amit and your friendship. How you even for once could think that Amit and I……..” and then the tears started rolling down her eyes. She was moving backwards to the edge of the cliff. Before I could have reacted or reached towards her, she jumped from the cliff. I screamed loudly. I was shouting and screaming loudly, I was crying but there was no one to listen to me or to lend me a helping hand.

It was getting dark by now and I had given up. I was sitting on a big stone with my head down. I was sobbing and was unable to understand why this all is happening with me. I was feeling guilty that I did not trust Amit and Shweta, all these years I was blaming both of them for my painful life. May be they were not at fault but one question that was still daunting me was,what happened that fateful day when I was waiting for Amit and Shweta. At that very moment I was just clueless and I just wanted it to end in a second. I just wanted to die and nothing else.

As I looked up there was surprisingly an old man in around late 80’s, standing beside me. He had snow white hair. There was a contrasting difference between our facial expressions. At one side there was me ‘drenched in pain and agony’ and then there was this man standing in front of me with a ‘content and peaceful’ smile. I was jealous of him but I wanted to say nothing to anyone now. I just wanted to die and that’s all about that moment for me but he surely wanted to talk. He started by, “Can I help you my Son?”

In years, I haven’t heard this word ‘Son’. It felt good for a second but I did not want to be distracted of my goal to end this life. I replied, “No, thank you. All you can help me is by leaving me alone here.” “Hmm, so that you too can jump off the cliff?” he said. I was shocked, it means that he saw Shweta jumping off the cliff but he did not come when I was screaming for help and all the more he is smiling peacefully as if everything around is so beautiful and peaceful. I started “So that means..” but he cut me short by saying, “Yes, I was here when she jumped off and I have always been there all this while with you but you haven’t noticed.” I was about to say something but even before I could say anything he started again. “Let me tell you 3 golden rules before you say anything and even before telling 3 golden rules let me clear the doubts you had all this while.”

I don’t know why but I just nodded in affirmation.

He started again, “Amit did not run away that day with Shweta, while he was driving to get her he was run over by a speeding truck. He died on the spot. But you chose to blame both of them for cheating you. You insulted both the relationships. Moving on, Shweta was already shattered and disturbed by the news of Amit’s accident but then she was holding on to your love. But when she got to know about what you think about Amit and her, she too could not handle it and jumped off this cliff.”

While I was sad and full of guilt after hearing what had happened that day but at the same time I was trembling while thinking about the incidents happening with me since morning.

His voice came again, “I know what you’re thinking but before clearing that let me tell you those 3 golden rules of life. First: Love madly, with this I mean that if you consider someone worthy of your love then just love him/her madly and truly with utmost trust. Trust someone so much that the other person cannot cheat you ever in life.

Second rule, don’t ever leave the friendships incomplete. If he is your friend then trust him to the core and care for him to your best. Have you once tried to find about Amit in last 20 years?

While the above 2 rules will help you with any relationships in the life but then there is this third rule of life which broaden up your life’s horizon beyond the 1:1 relationships. Third rule says, “Do something that outlasts your life.”

Now coming back to your existence, Son, right now you are at a point where the layer between the life and death gets dissolved and that’s why you can see people who are at the other side of the world. Though you have performed badly on the first 2 rules but you still have a chance to do well with the third one and who knows you may get another chance to resurrect the first two fallen pillars as well. Now you decide if you too would want to jump off this cliff or you can hold my hand and I’ll guide you through the rest of your life.”

I was feeling weightless at that very moment. He sensed my decision and as soon as I sensed him holding my hand…. My eyes opened, I was in the hospital and it was my wife who was holding my hand.

I don’t know how I have performed on the third rule but as an attempt I have roped in a team that now counsels and consult the battered souls and save them from committing suicide.




Some Facts about suicide:
  • One million approximate number of suicides worldwide each year.
  • Every 40 seconds somebody dies by suicide.
  • 60 per cent increase in worldwide suicide rates in last 45 years.
   
       

    



3 comments:

  1. There are many occasions when we think ending life is easy but come what may, life is a beautiful. We have to face all the challenges and specially the emotional ones. A beautiful story, Rahul.

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